I don't think that I mentioned here that I had made an attempt at returning to work, only to step back at the beginning of July - with the full support of insurance company that pays my long term disability. I was to take this time, until mid September, to organize my life, and get a better handle on day to day living. At that time, I had started work with two of my own clients at work, and I wanted to finish working with them.
Well, it is now the first of September, and I am still working with one of those clients. I have invested alot of hours into spending his money, and creating a stylish and sexy showhome for him (he is only going to live in this condo for four years, and then he will be off to California, reinventing the highly sought after breasts of Hollywood). I have put in these hours for personal reasons (no, I don't want a boob job), I want fantastic photos for my portfolio.
While working with this single client, I have come to realize that returning to my job on a full time basis may be impossible. Realizing this, means that I have accepted that something happened to me in June of 2006, that has permanent repercussions.
I do often find myself in the middle of dangerous, negative self-talk regarding my future. I wish that I had an arm that doesn't move, instead of a brain that does not recognize and comprehend the visual clues around me (visual clues are transferred from my eyes to my brain and they tell me movement, direction, placement, speed etc).
I have never doubted my talents. But now I question my ability to use my talents in a fast paced, me-centric world - and make a decent living.
Thank goodness I don't need money for plastic surgery!
I am who I am,
Emily
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