take it as it comes

Spontaneity. It may just happen. The words given to a couple unable to conceive a baby using all means within their financial, emotional and physical power.

Spontaneity and just letting things happen is not how am I trying to live my life with MS.

So now what?

I'm feeling a bit useless and damaged. But don't worry - I got out of bed, I washed the dishes in the sink, and I'm writing this blog. I just need to reach a final point of acceptance...of something.

Wishing a baby to just happen while on Rebif is not recommended. So is it time to get back on the DMD track, accepting that being pregnant will never be in my cards? Or is it time to lay off all drugs, DMD and fertility and see what happens? Back to square one, just like five years ago, but this time I do have MS.

It was made clear to Jason and I yesterday that my insides are a "hostile environment". Recent medical oopses...oops, did I say that, I meant to say recent unfortunate medical events have resulted in extensive internal scaring. Not to mention endometriosis, have made motherhood the old fashioned way next to impossible.

I have to make a choice. Time is not on my side. Though I am not "old", any time waited is time past in reproductive years - decreasing the odds of successful "other methods" of conceiving. And as far as I am concerned, time is not on my side with MS either. At the drop of a hat, things can change or maybe just as time goes by...things can progress.

When I was waiting to start my DMD 3 1/2 years ago, I likened it to standing in the middle of a busy intersection, unprotected. For myself, I believe in the DMDs.

While I may have the inclination to take it as it comes for many things, I can't be this way with MS.

Emily

says who?

Jumbling thoughts in my head. I laid down for a nap this afternoon, and the words for this blog post jigged around my head. Instead of sleeping, or getting up to type, I played around on Facebook. Now as I sit here ready to type the post, I can't find the words.

Let's see...

Does a person with a chronic disease make any less or more of a parent? Why should having MS deter someone from being a parent? Do children of people living with a chronic disease suffer for a lack of physical involvement or even love?

These are questions that I ask myself.

This is how I answer those questions...

At some point in their life, doesn't every child (when not seeing their parent as a Super Hero),wish their mom or dad looked different, or did something different?

There is more to life than swings, skipping ropes, bicycles, and swimming pools.

Listening is important.

Perspective is important.

Patience is important.

Having MS makes life different for Jason and I. We aren't your average couple. Adjustments have to be made. Our eyes need to be wide open. Our ways and days need to be flexible.

In my brain, earlier today, this post was much more eloquent, thorough, and thought provoking. But it is the best that I can do right now.

Emily

back to square one

I had almost forgotten that I have MS. The return of the Rebif needle in to my life, reminded me that I live with this life-boggling disease.

Ok, that was a bit of an over-statement. What really happened, is that last night, I restarted my Rebif injections. Jason and I decided last week, that Monday, February 23 would be the day to start up again. I was nervous all day. Nervous, as in butterflies-in-the-tummy nervous.

When the witching hour rolled around last night, I got out my supplies (one cotton ball, one needle clipper, one pre-filled syringe, and one log book), dropped my pants, and poked myself in the thigh. I didn't dither, or dilly-dally...I did it. But from my list of supplies, I forgot to get an ice pack ready. Rookie mistake.

For me, the injection is proof-positive that I live with MS.

A single tear rolled down my cheek as I started to say this to Jason, but he was able to finish my sentence.

I have decided to start the injections back up until we receive further answers regarding my other health issues. Before deciding this, I spoke with a nurse at the MS clinic. The way that I see my situation, it could be at least another few months or more until I know what's going on with me.

If you remember, I stopped the Rebif, as it is necessary to be off the drug for a minimum of three months before trying to conceive. And since that is up in the air, AGAIN, I decided that I might as well look after what I have the power to look after (even if it is minimally). The nurse checked with Dr.E (my neurologist) who said that the benefits of being on the Rebif for four months and then stopping again (as an example) are arguable, so the decision is entirely up to me.

So here we are again - every Monday, Wednesday and Friday - back to square one.

Emily