I haven't been to work in a long time

Every day is an emotional and physical question mark. That is just the way it is, and I'm okay with it. Who needs predictability!? **I say that somewhat sarcastically.**

While I still seem to struggle with the notion of a routine - to have or not have - I realized that one "routine" has been broken. For some time now, I don't feel as if I have to accomplish something (or not do something) within a specific amount of time "because I have to go to work tomorrow".

That's right - I have broken free of the haunting, "I'm going to work on Monday" feeling.

This isn't to be confused with wondering if I CAN work, or feelings of meeting self-imposed responsibilities...it is just the feeling of getting out of bed, and spending 8-10 hours at paid employment. It was like a habit...predictable...it became a part of who I was. And now it isn't.

I still haven't managed to comfortably answer the question, "do you have a job that you go to?", or "so what do you do?", or the simple, "where do you work?"

I met someone new a couple of weeks ago, and sure-shootin', she asked me, "So do you a job that you do on top of making jewelry?"

My answer..."No. I have MS".

I was mortified at myself! What a way to answer that question! Why couldn't I have said, "No, not right now"? Heck, even, "Nope" would have been better than what I did say. What a way to make someone uncomfortable...including myself.

So I am finally comfortable with the fact that I'm not going to work tomorrow, so hopefully next, I can find a way to be comfortable in telling people that.

Emily

what I would say

Dear Owner

I would like to apologize for any disruption or loss that my illness has caused you or your business. I am sorry for being motivated, anxious, and selfish enough to try and return to work. Had I known ahead of time that it was going to cause you to have to adjust, and maybe do some work yourself (should my disease relapse), I would have thought about it ten times over, instead of nine.

As for the vacation pay that I accrued in the nine months that I worked for you, please pay it to me whenever you see fit, because, as you said so kindly in our last correspondence, you "deserve patience" on my part. I should have known that patience is what you need, after having made the agonizing decision regarding last year's Christmas Party.

It was irresponsible of me to think that I contributed in anyway to your business in the year leading up to the party. Any computer designs or colour selections that I made were only out of the goodness of my heart, no thanks or payment required. You were right to only invite full time employees, the wife of your partner, and the man who owns the business next door, to the party.

I would like to sincerely thank you for what you have brought to my life. You have taught me about sacrifice, patience, entrepreneurial spirit, tolerance, inclusion, exclusion, celebration, and sharing.

May your head and heart rest easy,

Emily - the employee who got MS and made you detest long term disability

P.S. Not that I think you will, but should you ever knowingly hire someone with a disability, (or have such bad luck a second time around that someone becomes disabled while employed by you!) think twice before hitting the send button on your e-mails. The next person might actually sue you, and have proof of your discrimination.


*sigh* I decided that if this blog is a place for me to vent, and let it all out...there it is. This is what I would write to the previously mentioned ass****, should I think that it would benefit me at all. Alas, I know that it wouldn't do me any good, but maybe just putting it out in cyber space will be enough.

Since I began blogging, I rarely posted of my work experience, assuming that I was showing my employer a level of respect by not letting others know what he is really like. But if this blog is to educate and inform of what MS is like for me...than I have done you and myself a dis-service.

Emily

changes in the air

It's that time of year...the season is changing, the new school year is starting, the new television season is upon us...it's a time of change and welcoming new experiences. It's kind of like New Year's Day...starting over.

I am starting over, in my new official role as House Manager-Freelance Designer-Kittycat Masseuse. I received word that my long term disability will continue...no squabbles or questions asked...just periodic check-ins.

You may also be wondering what happened with BB. Let's just say that thanks to my recent medical trauma, I went out on my own terms...as I wanted. I'm at peace with this now...it was my decision, and I fully recognize* that I am not able to work.

I want to embrace my new role. I don't want to be a couch potato, or a bump in my bed. I have spent the past two years hanging around my house in sweat pants and old t-shirts. My other clothes are work clothes - dress pants and button down shirts. You may think this sounds superficial, but appropriate dress can make or break your attitiude, as well as your perception of yourself. Dress the part! On that note, I have found myself wanting a casual wardrobe. It's a bit like needing back to school clothes, or clothes for your new job.

Maybe I need to mandate a house uniform...

Emily

*at least this is how I feel today, and for most of this past week

options

I am considering a few job options:

1. House Manager
Duties include: random tidying; preparing the odd meal from scratch; preparing the odd meal from frozen; assisting in grocery selection; selecting musical and visual (television) entertainment; assisting in landscape maintenance; welcoming guests into our home; kitty cat masseuse

2. Freelance Designer
Duties include: selecting paint colours and wall finishes for my own home; providing advice to others on paint colours, kitchen layouts; seasonal landscape changes to my own house; beaded jewelry design and creation; being my husband's and sister's stylist

3. Life Coach/Inspirer
Duties include: living, laughing, joking, listening, smiling, sharing, blogging, learning, grooving

Well, after some thought...I'm going to give all three a shot.

Emily