I am writing this post because of the comment that I just moderated...the comment made by Ladyfingers...my mom. Her comment made me cry. I'm crying the kind of tears that happen when you feel the support of someone you love. The tears that are telling me, "See Em, it's ok". The tears that say, "Boy, has your mom ever suffered through this too".
For the past 15 months, absolutely no one has pressured me to do anything. No one has made suggestions, or hinted to me at all, as to what they think I should be doing. No wait, that clinic nurse has...but she doesn't count. Sometimes, I have wanted someone to just tell me what to do, once and for all. I have wanted a medical expert to set it all out for me.
So after coming to the realization that my life has changed, and feeling definite about it, I became scared by what I perceived would be the reaction to my decision. Comments like, "But you didn't try", and "What are you going to do with yourself. You can't just sit around and watch tv all day", have disturbed me. So when I see that in fact I'm supported, I find myself a bit overwhelmed...but I have no reason to be. It's all just me, torturing myself...and I have been doing it all along. The support has always been right under my nose.
I recognize that this is the decision that I have to make now. But who's to say what will happen a year from now, or five years from now. Wait a minute, it hasn't really been a decision. It is more the acceptance of my new situation. If it is at all a decision, the decision is to stop trying to figure out a way to go to work. READ THE WRITING ON THE WALL. It isn't bad. Isn't acceptance one of the stages of grief?