can we co-exist?

I haven't had the greatest 24 hours. I'm having to deal with a return of my "breathing problem". I don't think that I have ever discussed it in great detail here, because it hasn't been much of a problem since I started blogging. Sometimes, it shows up at bedtime, or when I am super fatigued. For the past 24 hours, it has been with me the whole time.

If feels as if someone is standing on my chest. This makes it hard to get a full breath of air, and I find myself having to take in a lot of deep breaths. Back in the fall (I think), I had some lung function tests, and saw a respiratory doctor. My MS doctor referred me to this specialist, suspecting that it was the MS causing my difficulties, but he wanted to make sure. Sure enough, my lungs are fine - no other medical reasons for my struggle and discomfort - just MS.

This scares the socks off of me. Last night, for the first time in a long time, I cried for myself. Is it really necessary for this stupid disease to steal my oxygen? Breathing, is an important function. Come on. I don't want this disease.

Sometimes, it's hard to stop myself from imagining what this disease will take from me. I don't think about it often, but I believe that if I am aware of the possibilities on some level, things will be easier to handle, should physical adaptations be necessary. So when I am forced to pull in a deep breath, I don't like where my imagination goes.

Just as frustrating, is the fact that I have had a really stellar week! Other than sleeping away Tuesday, I was busy this week...and ventured out on my own on two different occasions! I was not afraid! I made banana muffins! I did laundry! I raked the front lawn!

Oh...isn't that interesting. I did things like a "normal", healthy person, and got swatted down as if I had snatched a fresh baked peanut butter cookie off the cooling rack! What happened to the wobbles? Aren't they supposed to be my "reality check"?

I tried to trick my body. I thought that I could just keep taking the cookies. I was getting along really well with MS. But rather the trick was on me. I think that all along, MS knew that it was going to swat me. It was just waiting for me to feel good...normal.

So now I'm going to bed, and as per usual, I believe that tomorrow will be better.



Ladyfingers said...
April 26, 2008 at 9:05 a.m.

It is tomorrow and I am wondering how you are. I want to call again today but talking on the phone will maybe take more breath? I wish I had the answer Em. Maybe you did too many "normal" things? IT likes to keep us guessing. I want to squash IT like a bug. Better days will come, they always do. Remember and Believe.

Mom XO

Little bits about my life with MS

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