Emily's Rick Mercer style RANT!!!

How does the expression go...when cooler heads prevail?

Yes, well...I'm still justified in my books.

I had a breakdown yesterday evening - I let it all out with tears and screams. It appears to have worked well. I remember screaming when I was indirectly told that I had MS - that was nothing compared to yesterday.

It came to me because I realized that the "treatment" I am receiving is cold, impersonal, robotic, and scripted. When the nurse took my list from me, instead of saying things like, "rise above this", and "you just have to accept it", she could have said, "Would you like to tell me a little more about the circumstances in which you are in when you have trouble remembering someone's name? Do you find that you have more difficulty with your memory when you are tired? A number of patients have issues such as these, and they find it improves if they have a good night's sleep."

Now while that may seem just as scripted, it is more personal, empathetic, and informative. I don't need a life coach, or a rant. I need someone in the medical profession to ease my fears and address my concerns.

And then there is the doctor - the man of no conversation, just instructions: follow my finger, push my arms, touch your nose. I understand that he has a job to do, and by giving me those instructions, he is checking things. So why not end with, "Looks good", or "a little weaker on the right, but still within normal range". How about speaking to me about the drug that I took for seven and a half months and stopped.

Now wait a minute, maybe I should be more fair, and not sum up the whole visit with him into a list of instructions. He did ask me how long I have had the head/balance issues. And he is sending me to a different specialist to make sure that it isn't anything else...because as he says, it isn't my MS.

Yes, that's right. I saw this doctor in April for this head issue. He ordered an MRI, and never saw me again until yesterday. I have been uncomfortable for a long time. And, damn it, I had these same problems over a year ago!

My CNS was attacked...by lesions...lots of 'em...a whole herd of wild lesions wreaked havoc on me...eating away at the fatty substance called myelin that protects the nerves in my CNS...a herd of lesions that were concluded to be the workings of the unpredictable and sneaky disease called MS.

I feel like a donkey that has been corralled in with the horses - when in fact I am a horse - with a horn coming out of my head. I'm still a horse, just a bit different.

Emily