flashing my hand

I've had a rough week - week and a bit. But you know all about that stuff - ill mannered medical professionals, missing medical tests and files, and the usual tears and frustrations.

It may seem to you, the reader, that this is my life. Well it certainly occupies a great part of my days/week/months. I have said from the beginning that I will not let MS be me - that I will be me with MS. However, in this blog I have only touched on the medical aspects of my diagnosis. Obviously, the affect is greater than just terrible trips to the doctor.

Next week, I hope to start (again) a gradual return to work. I have not blogged much about work because I try not to focus on work, or think about work. I realized back in the summer that I needed to return to work in my home life before my work life. Well, that seems to be working itself out, and next week, hopefully my work life will start up again.

Then maybe I will be able to get my mind off the other area in my life, and Jason's, that has been wickedly intertwined with my diagnosis. Jason and I spoke about this last night, and whether or not I should include this aspect of our life in my blog and we decided that to not include it, it would be against my purpose of this blog.

***deep breath in***

Prior to my initial neurological attack, Jason and I had been trying to start a family for three years. We had finally given up, and decided to look for answers through a fertility specialist. Our initial appointment was in August of 2006, about two months after my attack began. A few months later, we were told that it would be difficult for us to conceive a baby without the assistance of fertility drugs and some other drugs to correct my egg dispersal system. It turns out that I don't like to share my eggs - I prefer to keep them in my basket(s).

***I still chuckle at that last bit, so you can too***

Anyway - in January I had to make a choice: start treatment for MS, which had me out of commission at that point for eight months; or start a fertility program. We chose to start the MS therapy. That was a terrible time.

As you know, I am currently off of my MS therapy, awaiting a go-ahead on another drug. It is recommended that any persons trying to conceive should be off of their MS therapy for a minimum of three months. BUT - we are in no place to begin trying to conceive. I'm not working, I have a number of odd, unexplained issues, I haven't worked in 16 months, and there are many things to consider.

There is the knowledge that pregnant and nursing mothers seem to get a reprise of their MS symptoms. There is the possibility of having multiple births. There is the possibility that we could try for months, and still not get pregnant. There is the possibility that I could one day have limited mobility and then I would question my parental abilities to have fun (would you believe that a social worker said this to us?) There is the possibility that we could conceive quickly, and I never experience mobility issues.

So, Jason and I continue to play the cards that we have been dealt. Unfortunately, the Book of Hoyle does not contain the rules for this game!

Emily