struggle

I'm struggling - just a bit.

I have been going through thick brain fog, which in turn causes me emotional distress. Lethargy rules my days (not to mention headaches). I can't seem to work out complete thoughts and plans, and I feel as if I am accomplishing nothing, day after day. But you wouldn't know it to look at me.

I don't like the invisibility of this disease. I don't agree with how people compare and judge people (and their relationships) who live with this disease. If you have this disease, or have read about with any attention, you would know that no two people experience it the same, and along with that, personal reaction to aspects of the disease are different.

There is no "we all have the worst symptom" club...because what is the idea of the worst symptom for one, is not the same as the worst for another. And with that, there is no general, "worse off than another", for those suffering with relapsing remitting MS.

There are no "relationship rules for those living with MS".

Hmmm, where did that come from? What I just said are reactions that I have experienced lately: about things that I have heard, been told, and read.

I'm no longer wondering the meaning is to my life; I'm not searching for my purpose. But I am looking for some control and I'm forever fighting with my own expectations of myself.

Expectations of myself...totally within my control.

Emily

3 comments:

Dana said...
April 19, 2009 at 4:36 PM

Such a great post. I can appreciate what you are saying about the thick brain fog, and the feeling of not being able to accomplish things. And oh the invisibility. It would seem to others that there is nothing wrong at all. Ditto on the judgemental nature of some as well... Such a complex issue to deal with, and unfortunately I have most of these battles in my head, rather than out loud with those who I feel are doing the judging.

High On Craft said...
April 20, 2009 at 5:06 PM

While I have no experience whatsoever with MS, I can totally relate to "fighting with expectations of myself". Millions of people can. This is why I love your blog. Not only are you bringing awareness to this disease you are battling against, but your day-to-day struggles are relatable on other levels as well.

Jackie said...
April 21, 2009 at 3:05 PM

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "I don't like the invisibility of this disease."

It seems damn near impossible to explain it to people, or even to get people to trust that you're having a problem unless they can see it with their own eyes. Although I can kind of understand, considering I was probably the same way before my DX. Still sucks. No doubt about it.

Little bits about my life with MS

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