stop worrying!

My bottom lip is trembling. Or at least it feels like it is, and it's been this way for two hours. Don't know what it's all about, but I'm also fatigued.

This isn't starting out to be a good day for me. Immediately, I start to think about tomorrow, and whether or not I will be able to walk the 6km. And then I think about my plans for today: dusting, sweeping, beading, general home organization and tidying.

But does any of this really matter?

I snuggle into Jason for a hug (because I get clingy when I'm fighting the fatigue), and I apologize for being useless.

WHAT?!

I hate this feeling.

I need to find the line between personal expectation, acceptance, reality, and "it's ok to be me".

This is not tired. This is not lazy. This is not procrastination.

This is being a person who is hard on herself: to do the right thing, to not make mistakes and to be responsible. This is being a person who cares about pleasing others, making others comfortable, and always putting the best foot and face forward. This is a person who sets it in her mind what would be disappointing for everyone else, and tries her best to avoid it.

This is all of the above with a main course of MS, and related symptoms.

Yes, I said that I decide what would be disappointing for everyone else. Another way to put that, I assume reaction and expectation. I need to stop that. How energy zapping! How defeating! geesh. This is a good rule for everyone: never assume what another will do or say.

Now back to me...

My bottom lip is quivering, someone is standing on my chest, I can't stand in one spot without searching for something to hold on to/lean on...and that is today.

Tomorrow is another day.

Emily

2 comments:

Ladyfingers said...
April 25, 2009 at 8:05 PM

This person has learned all these behaviours from her Mother. She now needs to UNLEARN them. Perfectionism and the need to please others all the time comes at a cost to oneself. People would rather share a few hours with a rested, unstressed you in a home with a bit of dust than alone in your "perfect" home because you had to go to bed.
Your home is inviting & comfortable.
You & Jason make it that way with your smiles and welcoming nature.

Mom XO

corina said...
April 26, 2009 at 8:41 PM

amen ladyfingers. amen.

Little bits about my life with MS

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