Nobody plans to live with a chronic illness. With our ever increasing knowledge of illness and disease, and we have become a society where we can sometimes go to extraordinary measures to prevent illness. It goes without saying that a diagnosis is almost always a shock.
Before June 2006, I was planning my life with ease. I was making decisions for myself and for my future family based on my health and my talents. I had no reason not to. I had recently accepted a new job, choosing opportunity over money, and Jason and I had purchased a new house as not only an investment, but for a better house to bring a family in to. Life was only going to get better.
And then without warning, everything changed. Without an introduction, no annoying yet curious symptoms, MS was now a part of my life.
The job, and everything connected to it, are now a thing of the past. Instead of this loss allowing me to live under a gray cloud, I use memories of my work days and my success in a short time, to give me confidence.
The house, bright and spacious, selected to hold Jason, myself, our two cats, and a baby playing on the living room floor...is without the later. And this is where I have found myself for months...trying to figure out what role MS plays in this part of my previous plans.
*In previous posts, I have mentioned that two months before "I got sick", Jason and I were referred to a fertility specialist following years of unsuccessful attempts at conceiving. Early this year, I underwent surgery to remove extensive endometriosis. The other relevant information is that further health "screw ups" have made the fertility landscape even more sketchy.
I do not intend for this blog to become about our attempts at a family of 3, but rather how MS is related to all of our decisions, including those related to having a family. I can't keep the two things separate.
Earlier this year, I stopped my Rebif injections. It is recommended that a woman halt her injections a minimum of 3 months prior to trying to become pregnant.
The recent revelation that the MS is in fact progressing has given me great pause.
My 35th birthday has also given me great pause.
My desire to be a mother, and a parent along side Jason, has given me great pause.
My MS clock is ticking. My biological clock is ticking.
I am willing to give up MS.