a different kind of struggle

Today hasn't been too bad of a day for me. Unfortunately, I have noticed the return of the "wobbles" a little too often lately, and even the odd "short ciruit" feeling. Despite feeling a bit "out of sorts", I completed some housework and beat Jason at two games of Cribbage. I tried to rest before dinner, so that I wouldn't be too tired to chew and swallow (doesn't that sound ridiculous!?).

I managed to turn my brain off for a short bit while lying down, but I mostly just thought about what I do in a typical day. I have felt the need lately to look down the road, as well as ponder what my purpose in life is. I need something to work towards.

I'm getting myself into a bit of a "thought-traffic" jam here, because I seem to be tinkering with two different post topics...my future in the next six months, and my future in the next forty years. The challenge is that both have been on my mind lately, and they are linked.

Last week, I spoke with my case manager regarding my long term disability situation. In her words, "I can't hide my head in the sand", and I should know that the time is coming that my claim may end. The magic date for this is October 20, 2008.

I'm not too concerned with the details of that reality right now, but it certainly is a strange feeling that doctors and who else knows, will be deciding my future. Don't get me wrong, I recognize that I do have some control...but only if I say I'm returning to the workforce.

If I could return to work, I would. At this time, I don't know what I could do in the workforce. Sometimes when Jason and I are out, I find myself imagining myself working where ever we are. Inevitably, I end up telling myself, "You couldn't work here". I seem to have an understanding of what things I can and can't do. Or maybe it's a fear, rooted in what I couldn't do six months ago, so I don't bother to do it now. Or maybe I'm afraid to work anywhere because I would no longer be what I consider to be good enough and "reliable"...therefore making me a sub-par employee.

This is starting to sound like the future, and that isn't where I wanted to go with this. What I wanted to tell you is how Jason and I realized that come October, I could be on permanent LTD. What would I be...if I was not working? Jason had the answer right away...

"You'd be a housewife!!!"

I find this funny. I'd be a stay-at-home wife! We would no longer be D-I-N-Ks...I think. I wouldn't be a full time mom...I'd be a full time wife. Does the full time wife get respect in society? What a change this would be to everything that Jason and I know! Things wouldn't be that much different from what they are now...except for a sense of permanency. Would I finally feel settled? content? I'm sure that the gossip'ers would have a heyday! (oh, don't let me go there!)

Ok - that's enough for now. I just thought that I would share more of my "deep thoughts" with you.

Emily