what is so important?

Even though it's expected - I don't like the fatigue that happens after a good stretch. That sounds strange, because I don't like any kind of fatigue. So to be more specific, I don't like that I have experienced what Jason and I call "a good run" of busy-ness, and now, I can't do a darn thing.

Once again regarding my fatigue, I hear myself complaining to Jason, "I don't like this". His response, "You say that every time."


Yes, I do.


Why?


Because it isn't getting any easier. This is not what I want.


Would it be easier if I adjusted my attitude...personality? Maybe then I wouldn't forget everything that I just accomplished.


What is so important in my life that I can't accept the fact that I just need to lay low...zone out on the couch or lay in bed for a couple of days?


What is that I want to do
RIGHT NOW?

put away Christmas gifts, put the mandarin oranges in the fridge, clean up the clutter in the family room downstairs, organize my sock drawer, put away my summer clothes, organize my closet, read my new book, edit photos, organize photos on my computer, make jewelry, play on the Wii Fit, pluck my eyebrows, make a dinner that doesn't involve reheating leftovers, start some new crafts (knitting and sewing), organize the desk in the basement, write a blog post for emmsgems, make family calendars for February 2010, download CD's to the iPOD, put away months of magazines, request copies of my MRI's from the hospital...

...and that's just off the top of my head!

I want a consistent, level (no surges or rations), and happy energy.


But why "I don't like this", is more that just feeling too exhausted to do anything that I want to do. Experiencing full on fatigue scares me. I become more cautious when eating. I make more mistakes while communicating. The fog feels thicker. I feel useless and like I'm a disappointment.

And I feel like it won't end.


Emily






4 comments:

Anny said...
December 30, 2009 at 9:09 AM

I understand you it is difficult to be stopped... We become identified too often with what we make and not their BEING...
Wish you a happy new year. I send you happy energy. Take care :)

zenbecca said...
December 30, 2009 at 11:55 AM

I have to tell you that you have accomplished something today that you probably didn't realize. You have saved me from typing out my own to-do list. Yours is oddly similar (ok, almost identical) to mine...with a few exceptions, of course. Swap-out "request MRI" with "find out why I haven't had a period since Christmas '07" and we're even.

If I can ignore my sock drawer because I have to go to work and take care of the mascot, then you can ignore yours to recharge your batteries and be your awesome self. There. Accept it. ;-)

Ladyfingers said...
December 31, 2009 at 9:07 AM

Sounds like you haven't yet given yourself permission to rest. You are consumed with all of those "have to do" things. Your fatigue class taught you some things.Perhaps a little meditating on what you learned will help?.Yes, Multiple Sclerosis sucks big time & causes profound fatigue. Baby steps girl,read a pg. or 2 of that book you got instead of being p'd off that you can't read it all. Focus on the little things you can do. Do you really need to wash your hair every day? That is a draining task. Give it a brushing or ask Jason to do it & keep your jammies on for the day. It will get better.

MomXO

corina said...
January 3, 2010 at 5:44 PM

listen to your mom! she's a wise woman.

your list of things to do reads like things people with fulltime jobs wish they could get to...well, for you your fulltime job is to take care of you. capeesh?

Little bits about my life with MS

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