CPP disability news

No hoops. No rain delays. No spilled milk.

Nothing to prove, nothing to curse while waiting, and nothing to cry over.

So why did I cry?

The process of applying for and receiving Canada Pension Plan Disability Benefits is complete. The wait is over. The hours spent focusing on what I can't do, versus what I can do, have paid off. This afternoon, I received a phone call to let me know that my application for CPP disability benefits has been approved.

So again, why did I cry when I got the news?

Well to me, this means that somewhere out there, in the paper universe, there are papers that outline a grim past, present, and foreseeable future for me. Whatever medical proof my doctors gave, represents a disabled person. The key words regarding the eligibility for the benefit are "severe", "prolonged" and "indefinitely". Not too mention, "under the age of 65".

When I realize that I am considered a disabled person, I get upset. I don't see myself as disabled. Instead, I have unpredictable, and often all consuming, physical and cognitive challenges...that you yourself, likely don't experience...unless you also have MS ;) So the idea that someone wrote medical jargon (that I actually feel I don't know the half of what was said...I often feel as if I have been left in the dark concerning what actually happened to me) that a group of other people then read and analyzed, compared it with another person's medical jargon, compared it with my own self-account of my day-to-day life, and decided that I'm disabled, and am therefore entitled to some government money.

I think that the reason for my tears, is that I don't want anyone to think that I feel sorry for myself. Although I have experienced what society commonly considers a "loss" or a "tragedy", I don't like the idea that someone might think that my story is a sad one. When you are challenged with an illness (for lack of a better word) I believe that you have a different load to carry through life. I believe in the power that my reaction(s) to these event(s) hold.

Don't get me wrong...I still feel sad once in awhile. But there is probably only ever going to be one other time when it would be better to have a diagnosis of MS than now. So for now, I accept the help that I have been given, and thank my lucky stars that it's the year 2008. I accept the label that I have been given...and I will strive to change the stereotype that comes with it.

Maybe that's why I cried.

Catch you in a few...

Emily

needle day

It's needle day.

Chin up. Smile on. Sit up straight. Put on a happy song!



My last needle was on Friday, and it caused some friction between Jason and I. Hopefully, with two "needleless" days behind us, tonight will go smooth.



I'm just not into it.



I jump when the "big click" happens with the auto injector. We hardly ever use the needle "manually", as finding the right "speed" for the injection is a challenge. If you go too slow, or too fast, it burns. There was a time when I could give myself the injections, in either fashion, and now...I can't bring myself to do it.



The friction between Jason-the-needle-man and I is that he gets brought down by my "down". So then I get upset with him for not being the support that I need at this time. I want him to encourage the needle, and bring me back to where WE were at the beginning of this. I want him to make me laugh as he prepares the needle...this really isn't a stretch for him. He is a man with many voices and inner-characters! Instead, Jason is suggesting that maybe I should stop the Rebif for a bit. I don't like the devil's advocate routine on Monday's, Wednesday's, and Friday's.



We will both have some time to think about things, as I am off to Ontario on Thursday...in search of Rebif-pushers. Or maybe in search of my own inner strength on this one. I will need to administer 4 needles without Jason...



I have to go and take the needle out of the fridge (the butter keeper, to be specific)



Emily

I've been tired

I finally have a moment in which I feel like I can make a somewhat cohesive and worthwhile post. It may sound as if I have been busy, considering that I "finally have a moment", but the truth is quite the opposite. The correct key word in my opening sentence is "cohesive".

I have been zonked. I am starting to have a better time when it comes to falling asleep at night, and it is leading me to sleeping in until 11 AM the next morning! That makes for 10-11 plus hours of sleep. And what's worse is that I am a stubborn person when I am tired. I'm not ornery, just stubborn. I don't allow myself to just lay down. I feel as if I have to accomplish something everyday: load of laundry, unload the dishwasher, sweep the floor. But when I push myself to do things when I am tired, all the other ugly MS symptoms rise from within me. It's a battle that I have with myself, that I am destined to lose.

Lately, it's my memory, in particular word finding and retrieving thoughts, that is suffering the most. Luckily, I only talk to people who understand, and who can read my mind. I also woke up yesterday with a bobble head. Not wobbles, but bobblehead. They are different. A bobble head is just as it sounds (and just like the toy)- my head feels like it is moving updownrightupleftdownrightup etc. Luckily, some Bonamine helped that. Wobbles are more of a whole body sensation.

My other intermittent symptoms have been lazy pinky and ring fingers; an inability to look directly up at something while standing; and eating a meal is pure torture for all involved because it takes me sooooo long.

I have been wanting to mention to you that a couple of weeks ago, Ladyfingers and Dude attended a talk involving a local MS neurologist. For lack of a better word, I was honoured. They took time out of their schedules to learn more about my disease. I understand that they are my parents, and that I have provided them with plenty of information...wanting or not. I didn't ask them to attend, and I can't describe how much it means to me that they did...they even asked questions! They gave me (and I am sure that those in attendance feel the same) a different kind of support.

I'll post again soon!

Emily