take it as it comes

Spontaneity. It may just happen. The words given to a couple unable to conceive a baby using all means within their financial, emotional and physical power.

Spontaneity and just letting things happen is not how am I trying to live my life with MS.

So now what?

I'm feeling a bit useless and damaged. But don't worry - I got out of bed, I washed the dishes in the sink, and I'm writing this blog. I just need to reach a final point of acceptance...of something.

Wishing a baby to just happen while on Rebif is not recommended. So is it time to get back on the DMD track, accepting that being pregnant will never be in my cards? Or is it time to lay off all drugs, DMD and fertility and see what happens? Back to square one, just like five years ago, but this time I do have MS.

It was made clear to Jason and I yesterday that my insides are a "hostile environment". Recent medical oopses...oops, did I say that, I meant to say recent unfortunate medical events have resulted in extensive internal scaring. Not to mention endometriosis, have made motherhood the old fashioned way next to impossible.

I have to make a choice. Time is not on my side. Though I am not "old", any time waited is time past in reproductive years - decreasing the odds of successful "other methods" of conceiving. And as far as I am concerned, time is not on my side with MS either. At the drop of a hat, things can change or maybe just as time goes by...things can progress.

When I was waiting to start my DMD 3 1/2 years ago, I likened it to standing in the middle of a busy intersection, unprotected. For myself, I believe in the DMDs.

While I may have the inclination to take it as it comes for many things, I can't be this way with MS.

Emily

now and then

Now: when I tilt my head back to drain a can of pop...I can do it.

Then: I couldn't finish a can because if I tipped my head back, I got the wobbles.

This is just something on my mind these days.

Emily

the flu

Before now, I have never been afraid of catching the flu or a cold. I'm not going to tell you that I'm afraid of H1N1. People die every year from flu and flu complications...

I am concerned with the ease of transmission of this virus - because I don't want to get sick. I don't need anything else taking away my energy. My energy is precious. When I'm dragging, I feel useless.

Sure, we all feel that way. But I feel drained of energy everyday. I don't need the flu, or a bad cold making it worse.

Emily